love & kisses.

so the role of love in my life now is a bit confusing. ciaran & i are still pursuing this idea of a breakup, yet getting caught in our perpetual net of comfort in being near eachother. after belligerent fighting & too-drunk-bike-rides while crying until 5 in the morning, we managed to resolve things by spending pretty much the rest of the weekend together. oops. we preface our kisses with "even though we're not together" statements & when i dropped him off at the end of the night, i sorrowfully watched him walk inside & shut the door without looking back to wave or smile at me.

i'm going to make myself crazy behaving this way, but how else do i manage a situation i have known to be one way for so long? he is my dear dear friend & a lover of too many years to abruptly end things the way i was sure was going to be so easy.

perhaps i'm getting a bit too sentimental-- valentine's day is approaching. though, the irony is that we never celebrated the day, finding it to be commercial & cheap. why is someone else governing when we should be celebrating love we have everyday of the year? this year, it seems so much more necessary & desperate to express these feelings.

as far as celebrating the day, i'm planning to go hiking with sierra, to dinner with lia & then to see andrew bird. lady dates. my real loves. i feel so desperate to communicate my fickle feelings for ciaran when i should be telling all of my friends how much i love them. i don't do that often enough. i love love love my friends.

& now. it's going to snow tonight/tomorrow maybe. weather like this is to be cherished! whenever exciting weather occurs, i can't help but worry that it's happening because of climate changes. regardless, it has always snowed here, even more so than now, & i want to celebrate this potential snow-day.