last night i began sorting through all of the journals i've ever written in, going back as far as kindergarten when i would create lists of my favorite star wars characters everyday, as it seems it would change based on my mood. princess leia was always at the top.
in a journal i found from the year i was fourteen, i write everyday about a handful of different boys i have crushes on. some of them i never even met, but knew online (including the first boy i dated, who i met on a radiohead forum & did meet & date in person). i wish i could remember what i was like then because i would never do this now. also, i have no recollection of being so boy-crazed at any point.
today marks one week since i have been single. i am struggling with a decicison i made that i thought would never happen. ciaran & i have been best friends for seven years & romantically involved for a good portion of that time. we have seemingly exhausted our time together. knowing eachother for so long makes it hard for us to not behave like we're still in a 17-year-old's relationship. i was so pleased with my decision, but my pride has quickly turned to regret as i blindly remind myself of how wonderful things can be every once in a blue blue moon.
this may be the hardest thing i've done to date.
puffy eyes & stomach aches & unanswered emotionaltextmessages until wee hours.
color me
- ninikita
- bakelite cameras, cactus spines, tarnished sequins, mermaid manners, turkish coffees, lichens n' mossy bark, skeleton bone dance.
1 comment:
Changes like these are so scary, it would be easier if a giant earthquake or tides or an evil villian were involved instead of just our own convictions. You know I'm behind you no matter what dearest.
lulu
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